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Alex and I

March 2012

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Alex and I

Finals Week

I love being busy. It removes so much temptation from my plate, both literally and figuratively speaking. I'm only concerned about my math final really, and the more stressed out we both get, the better the sex is with Dalton. It's so weird after everything I've done to be loyal to one person, but I'm keeping pace pretty successfully. No one's perfect, myself included, but he's a pretty good substitute. It's strange to have a man look me in the eyes when we have sex. It's so much more personal; not even Sean did that. I always had this concept that sex was very isolating. Sure, it requires some team work, but each person is sort of in their own little world. (Usually he's pretty happy and I'm pretty bored.) Yeah, occasionally he resorts back to more selfish manly things but it's completely acceptable after he's addressed my emotional needs. Despite being fairly self absorbed, if I start having a bit of a breakdown, he offers some genuine sympathy and well thought out words of encouragement. I thought I was the only person capable of crafting insightfully supportive sentence structure... Hahahaha!

I got him an Italian book and Inception for Christmas; he's apparently spent close to a grand on my gift... I feel horrible and deliciously special all at the same time. It's really weird to me, a dirty skank, that anyone would legitimately TREASURE me. I feel like the more typical gifts are more appropriate, like the ones Chad would get me: Here's a cheap necklace that I stole from Wal Mart and some chocolates that you won't eat so I'll just let my friends eat them. Thanks for the sweaters and designer watch, by the way. You're a complete sweetheart. Damn... That's so horrible that I still feel that way. I'm genuinely trying to change how I perceive myself though; I'm off MCAT, I weened myself off and the withdrawl was a bitch. I haven't gotten drunk in a couple weeks because Dalton expressed that he's not cool with it. I've been trying to cuss less, and rediscover the princess I was once convinced I was - I even asked for a tiara for Christmas. Despite all of my best efforts, however, my reputation still preceeds me. Dalton's coworkers give him shit for being with a slut; I feel horrible for him that he has to suffer the consequences of my choices, and also ashamed that they would call me that. It's one thing for me to come to terms with it, I'm trying to change, it's another thing for people that I consider my friends to give me such stigmatizing labels.

I got approved to receive an IUD after Christmas. Normally they're $400 but because I'm a broke ass college student, the ARCH Foundation hooked me up with one for free. I'm completely stoked about it because pregnancy is my second greatest fear after going blind and because of my unique blood issues, it would be very dangerous for me to take a pill. Provided I can pass an STD test, then I can get it inserted right after I come back for second semester. Though I've always been good about using condoms, I'm still extremely terrified I could have something. My sexual partners have been notoriously skanky, and that night with Curtis when we were rolling has completely traumatized me. Who knows what he could have picked up in Brazil??! (Brazilian women should come with warning labels... If they start printing them up, maybe I should get one too??) I think more than anything I'm horrified that I've given Dalton something. I know he's not "the guy" because he wants children more than anything, and the concept freaks me the fuck out. I would feel absolutely terrible if I had given him something. I told him I was clean because my last test WAS clean, but the Curtis incident happened since then. He would be extremely upset, and it could impede his ability to find his perfect girl. I've already decided that if push comes to shove and I do have to tell him I've given him some horrible infection, I'll consign to having kids for him. Eugh... Fuck children... Hopefully though, by some miracle of the Universe and by the grace of the Great Integrity my test will come out completely clean, I'll get my IUD put in, and everything will be completely fine. *fingers crossed*

I'll be working for Sean at Naughty or Nice so I should be able to get into the rave for free, plus hopefully score some Unified Chaos yoga pants. Sean and Lil are done. She pretty much decided the same thing I had to, that she prizes her freedom over any amount of Sean's adoration. He's such a wonderful guy. I keep hoping that things will get better for him. I keep thinking about this poor little girl that's growing up somewhere thinking that her daddy doesn't absolutely love her, probably never knowing that he's trying so hard to find her. Damn that baby's momma! I want to try to manifest a better reality for all of them. Poor Sean... Why do such horrible things happen to such genuine people? Damn... He's so loving and sincere, all he wants is to be with his daughter and make some lucky girl incredibly happy but baby's momma is crazy, and he keeps attracting girls that haven't pin pointed who they are yet. (Myself included.) I hope the Universe starts sending him much better cards. I love that man SO much; he's such an inspiration to character and the virtues of perserverence.
PLUR.

Comments

Re: Largest Ebook Library 4

Hahaha... Um... Ok. Read up on shit, go you.